Dear Abba,
Since you passed, my bed has been filled. At first, it was all your belongings, I just began gathering everything, filling your side of the bed so there was no empty space. Over time as I place your things in totes to keep them safe, our children have joined me. Be it Tru, Tierney, your kitty cat, or the little girls. Sometimes our bed is so filled, there is not even space for me. I placed your urn in bed with me, every night I lay a pillow by my stomach and place you on it, just holding you, the weight of your bear/urn is comforting, it reminds me of you and your arms around me. At times, without even touching your heart button you will just randomly say, "I love you". At times I will respond, with "I love you too, Abba" and other times I am left speechless and sob into the bear. I've got to stop doing that, I don't want to ruin him. I scratch the bear's chin, just as I would your beard. I miss you, so much, my love. I miss the good days.
I wish I could have saved you, I wish I could have taken all your hurt away, I wish I would not have tasted the Gatorade filled with alcohol that night, I wish I would have just ignored it, I wish I would have given even more grace, I wish my last words to you, were not my last words, I wish I had not left to go to Walgreens that night, I wish I would not have asked you to find somewhere else to stay that night when you called me a bitch and said I had no heart. I just did not want the children to witness the fighting anymore or the drinking. I could not save you, you would not accept any of the help I tried to give you, find you, provide you with. I wish you would not have been so stubborn, I wish you would have stopped drinking. I wish I would have not listened to you and reached out to our family for help, but I was scared. I did not want to make you even more mad. I didn't know what else to do, I wish you would have reached out to Pastor Ian, after I contacted him begging for help.
I could not take being screamed at any longer, being blamed for everything, I could not take any more knives being thrown at the walls, fists through glass doors, the litany of breaking things in the home I could not replace, the constant clean up of broken glass, bandaging the children up as I could never get all the glass and they would cut their feet. Finding you passed out drunk face first on the floor, driving 105 mph down the highway with Tru and me in the car while you screamed at me. Finding your phone in the trash you put a bullet hole in. Throwing of firearms, and kicking Tru's vibrating seat across the living room while our children watched and were scared. I could not take seeing Ty in tears anymore, holding onto your leg and dragging him or him blocking doorways begging you not to leave us.
I'm sorry at times I could not get out of bed, after losing Teagan, Teddie, the lawsuit, and trying to work multiple jobs to keep us afloat. I'm sorry Tru's pregnancy was so high risk and triggering for us both, I am sorry at times I was so sick with stress over finances, your drinking, and being screamed at all the time that at times I could not get out of bed. I blame myself every day for why you are not here... If we had not gone to Cedar Point, I would not have gotten sick, if I had not gotten sick we would not have lost Teagan, if we had not lost Teagan, the ramifications after his death would not have happened and forced the lawsuit, you would have never started drinking to the extreme, I am sorry I lost Teddie. You were so happy after Tru was born, your drinking slowed down, and then the call from our attorney, the slap in the face from the hospital, the fact they said no mistake was made but yet we have two urns, I can pinpoint to the day when your drinking picked back up again. If all these things would not have happened, you would still be here.
I was not trying to be a hammer, I was trying to make you see how much your drinking had cost us, we were debt free, we were going to get the house in our name, and by the end of the year, with your drinking and poor choices we were now $15,000 in debt. I could not understand, if your drinking was causing so much pain and hurt, why you could not stop. I knew it was not just a nightcap every night, I was the one finding all the empty alcohol containers, money was constantly disappearing out of the bank, and bills were not being paid. Finding out you were also drinking at work, you not coming home until 2 in the morning, knowing the restaurant was closed but not knowing where you were if you were safe. When you would come home, just sitting in the garage, drinking for hours. I was angry, you made our children promise not to tell me you were putting alcohol in your Gatorades, I was angry that our daughter had to tell her sisters, don't drink those, Abba has grown-up drinks in them. That should never have to be a concern in their minds. The PTSD flashbacks, your hands around my neck squeezing me in your "nonawake" state. You just kept lying, Abba, these last 18 months, I did not recognize you, you were not Abba. Abba, you lost all feeling in your feet, you were constantly slurring your words, and you were forgetting things all the time, why couldn't you have accepted help, Abba?
I'm sorry I was not better, I am sorry I did not give more grace, I tried Abba, I tried, but as the kids became more and more aware and I saw what all of this was doing to them. I had to help them, I needed to keep them safe. You would not accept my help, I still remember one of our last fights, we were sitting in the garage. I told you, I love you, I will always love you, but I don't need you, I want you. If you don't want my help, fine, I can't try and fix things for you anymore, I am not going to stop you from walking out that door anymore, I will be here, and I will always be here, but my sole focus now is our children because they need us, they don't need to see the alcohol, they don't need to hear the fighting, they don't need to find Dad passed out drunk on the floor, they don't need to see the violence anymore.
I'm sorry Abba, I am so sorry I could not make everything all better for you, I am sorry I could not take all your pain away, I am so sorry I did not give even more grace, I tried, towards the end, I was just so tired. I miss you so much, I wish I could have saved you, I wish I could have made everything all better, I am so sorry, Abba. I know the person you were the last 18 months was not, my Abba. I miss your smile, your touch, your laugh, the clicking of your boots, I miss the good times, I miss you.
Love,
Mama Bear / Wifey